


illicit affairs (clean)

by AndyLovesCorgis



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Cheating, Extramarital Affairs, F/M, Falling In Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:06:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25612546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndyLovesCorgis/pseuds/AndyLovesCorgis
Summary: She never thought it would be more than just sleeping together, in her head it was just like that, two people who enjoyed sleeping together, but one night she caught herself cuddled in his embrace sharing all the scars that being abandoned left her, and hearing back how it took years for him to forgive his mom for caring more about her career than him.They would hold each other together, their world starting and ending in that bed.Their own private world.***An angsty Reylo piece based on 'illicit affair' by Taylor Swift.(Non-explicit version)
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	illicit affairs (clean)

**Author's Note:**

> This is the non-explicit version of my other work that goes by the same name!  
> You can find the other version on my profile!
> 
> Thank you for reading and if you have some time, I'd love to answer your comments.

> And that's the thing about illicit affairs  
>  And clandestine meetings and longing stares  
>  It's born from just one single glance  
>  But it dies and it dies and it dies  
>  A million little times
> 
> (illicit affairs - by Taylor Swift)

“Damn it!” she cursed under her breath.

Rey was supposed to be dressing very silently, it was minutes past dawn and she would want to wake up neither Rose nor Finn at this time, but now thanks to her old creaky wardrobe, even BB – their 8-year-old cat-, was probably awake.

She finished zipping up her plain black hoodie, checking out the small amount of makeup on her face, not that any of it would survive the next couple of hours; her fingers danced on the glimmering bottle of French perfume on her dresser, she knew he loved the smell, although it wouldn’t be a good idea to use it, as it would get impregnated on his suit.

He got a lot to explain that one time.

_You can always say no._

It was as if the reflection on the mirror mocked her with this sentence, she didn’t look like Rey, even with her three buns that made it easier to hide her hair under the hood; there was a time that even thinking about him would make her glow, not today, not anymore.

 _Today is the day, it won’t ever happen again_.

The monologue was written on her tongue for days now, she would seat by his side, offer him a good morning. She wouldn’t let him touch her hand like he always loved to do while meeting her, she would thank him for making her find out things about her that she never imagined to, but would say they were not supposed to be together…

“Why are you up this early, Peanut?” she was startled by Finn’s voice.

“Just going for a run, you know how it just helps me painting afterwards?” Her voice didn’t falter, she didn’t blush, didn’t stutter.

It wasn’t her first time lying. Rey was a pro now.

Ten months ago, she could barely hide from her friends when she was the one wiping out the ice cream on the fridge; Ten months ago, she was a completely different person.

It took one look.

Just a single glance and she was taken.

But him… he was _taken._

***

_Jazz was playing as background music, while Rey moved uncomfortably on her heels, she hated heels, she also hated big crowds, and if she wasn’t wrong there must be around 300 people in that ballroom, she should never have let Poe drag her there._

_Okay, it was a very nice party, the food was great, and she had endless glasses of the finest champagne, yet, it was an engagement party, and engagement parties made her feel lonelier than she already was._

_Kaydel was the light of the party, almost like a princess going from people to people to make small talk, like a true future bride, her blonde hair fell in smooth waves on her back, her dress smelled like a designer begged her to wear it. She was a true princess making sure Rey didn’t feel like a plus on who was left alone by her friend._

_Said friend was probably somewhere with another one of her friends; Rey didn’t know why it was so important for Finn to pretend he was straight, if Skywalker Legal Co. didn’t accept his relationship with that handsome art curator it was their loss, but what did she know about love right?_

_They were on the rooftop of the newest skyscraper in Coruscant, the city lights below were magnificent, however, there was a pair of hazel eyes that were way more mesmerizing, when they stared right back at her Rey felt her legs tremble, it wasn’t for the heels._

_He stood there with a glass of whiskey almost hidden behind his big hands, his fair skin contrasted with the raven waves, an aquiline nose gave contrast to full and smooth lips, that were framed on a smirk._

_Why the hell did she feel her insides clench?_

_Rey unconsciously touched her hair, pulling a strand behind her ear and flattening the skirt of her pale blue cocktail dress, his gaze was so intense that it was hard for her to breathe; she decided to take some air – and a little bit more champagne-, and admire the sea of lights and chilly breeze outside._

_As soon as she moved outside a gust of wind assaulted her._

_“Not very smart to come outside without a jacket, was it?” She had never heard his voice, but when the velvety tone reached her ears, she knew who it belonged to._

_“I’m kind of the queen of bad decisions.” She laughed feeling her cheeks burn for how lame it sounded._

_He laughed anyway, his eyes still trained on her, like a hawk; being several inches shorter than him, she definitely felt like a pray; she bit her lower lip and he inhaled deeply at the sight._

_While it was all supposed to be awkward, it wasn’t at all. A million things went through her head, but she couldn’t say a thing, she was locked under his gaze._

_“Oh, there you are, honey!”_

_That voice Rey knew._

_“Rey, you’re here too, good to know you two met.” Leia Organa-Solo and her imposing figure walked to them, seeming unaware that the mysterious man and she were devouring each other with their eyes seconds ago. “Darling, Rey is the new assistant at the art gallery that I told you about! I’m so glad Poe convinced you to come!”_

_“Thank you for the invitation, you didn’t have to. It’s your son’s engagement after all” Rey gave her a humble smile._

_“Yes, he’s the most beautiful groom-to-be, isn’t he?” she clapped the man’s back and the words seemed to lose the sense to Rey, as she realized he looked as busted as the last time Finn caught her stealing the last piece of pizza. “Come on you two, it’s time for the toast, and half of the couple was missing.”_

_If a few minutes ago it was hard to breathe, now Rey felt like her throat was completely constricted, she felt ashamed._

_He was Ben Solo or the Prince of Darkness as Finn described him, he was his asshole boss and heir to Skywalker Law Co. the legal empire in Coruscant, his father was the late Han Solo, owner of Millennium Falcon Enterprises and his mother as Lawyer-turned-Senator-turned-Art Lover Leia Organa-Solo, AKA: Rey’s boss._

_“Are you okay, Peanut?” Finn appeared by her side along with Poe, both casually exchanging pleasantries._

_“Uh, of course!” she choked, what a bad liar she was; who would have known that she was flirting with the groom about 15 minutes ago._

_The rest of the night was like sleep paralysis, she was exposed to things that her mind couldn’t really decipher and scared the hell out of her: like the way Ben Solo kept staring at her, even though people photographed Kaydel and him like they were some kind of next royal dynasty._

_She couldn’t sleep that night._ _  
  
_***  
  
The chilly dewy air of early mornings in Takodana was the thing she loved the most about her town, it was just a 20-minute drive from Coruscant but still held the calmness and green that the lonely girl from the from Jakku craved.

A quick exhale usually calmed her, but today she felt like even the trees were judging her, she walked the concrete path through the woods going through the excuses she would make if she met someone on the way: she was willing to exercise more, or maybe she needed to meet Maz on the other side of the street market, no that was risky, she would go with exercising.

What if someone asked what was she doing at the old Solo Garage, where the grand Han Solo started his business in the ’70s repairing old cars; well they have seen her there a thousand times, picking thing for Leia or Amilyn to repurpose, it was the essence of their art anyway.

To pick broken things and give them new meanings.  
  
***

_It was just a normal day of work three weeks after the Solo-Connix engagement and she could even look Leia straight in the eyes again, everything was back to normal and excitement was flowing through her veins as they approached the inauguration of Amilyn’s new exhibit. Rey was trying not to focus on the gossip Rose spilled over breakfast._

_Apparently, a friend of her sister, who works on the Celebrities column at The Coruscant Daily, said that Ben Solo and Kaydel Connix were promised to each other at birth so their parents could seal the deal on the biggest law firms merge of past 40 years._

_But of course, she wouldn’t be affected by it, it was their choice to have an arranged marriage, right? That totally explained his behavior, it was just a side effect of having his whole life planned for him._

_“You are in an amazing mood today, sunshine!” Poe’s bubbly face appeared before her in the back office with a mischievous grin._

_“I am indeed,” Rey answered with her full smile._

_“You’re about to ‘not be’.” He batted his lashes at her with sarcasm. “You’re being summoned.”_

_Rey’s brow creased, there wasn’t a single thing that she didn’t love about her job, she was a 25-year-old girl that went from being in Jakku’s foster care to study Arts in Coruscant University with a full scholarship, she was the first of her class, so early in her career, she was noticed by Leia and Amilyn and not a day went by that she wasn’t 100% invested in her work, so she couldn’t imagine what could possibly destroy her day._

_And there it was, or better, there_ he _was, in all his 6’2 glory, towering over his mother and Amilyn, with dark blue jeans and a black sweater clung to his broad frame, on his wrist a watch that probably cost more than her yearly share of the rent._

_“Wonderful, Rey is here!” Amilyn exclaimed, her pastel purple hair moving as she clapped excitedly. “Rey, I think you’ve met Ben.”_

_“Yes” was her short answer trying to keep her polite smile plastered over her face._

_“It’s a pleasure seeing you again.” His deep voice was casual, but his eyes were the same as that night._

_“Darling, Ben came here because he was dying to sneak on Amy’s new exhibit, but Poe, her and I have to meet a new artist that might exhibit his work here” Leia started with her motherly tone adjusting some strands on her braided updo. “Could you please give him a tour?”_

_Now was the time she prayed for either the floor to open and pull her to the abyss or someone say she was being punk’d; no, no one said anything, so this was the hard, cold reality._

_“Uh, sure, I just need to redirect the calls from the office phone to my cell, it will be quick.” She politely excused herself._

_Once the door of the back office was closed, she exhaled._

_“I know right? He’s super intimidating!” Poe blabbed, grabbing his coat. “Don’t let him eat you up!”_

_A shiver ran through her spine._

_After he left she sat on her table and programmed the phone to redirect the calls and just stayed sitting for a couple of minutes, she was wearing jeans, flats and an old cardigan over a tank top, definitely the look she hoped to wear in front of him again._

_‘Whatever, he’s engaged’ she thought gathering strength to open the door._

_“Well, I thought you would hide the whole day in your office.”_

_There it was again, the smirk. He was leaning on one of the walls, both hands in his pockets; his eyes boring holes on her skin._

_“Sorry for the delay, Mr. Solo.” She apologized looking at her feet._

_“Ben, please.Nobody calls me that, my father was Mr. Solo” Ben licked his bottom lips before giving a small smile._

_“Ben,” she said tentatively, Finn told her that literally, everyone in the office called him Mr. Solo. “Well, let’s begin your tour.”_

_She motioned for him to follow her inside the gallery, their first stop: a wall full of recycled post-its painted in earthy tones, forming a beautiful gradient._

_“Now, this is called ‘moving wishes’, so you have to take one of the post-its and write a wish” Rey moved next to the wall grabbing a sharpie and handing it to him. “the writing on the post-its will alter their shade and it will also be evolving, like our wishes and desires.”_

_“Do you think our desires are always evolving?” he caught her off guard with the question._

_“I think we are always wanting something” Rey pondered. “When we get something we wanted, we automatically start to want something else. It’s a never-ending cycle.”_

_“Interesting.” The smirk never left his face_

_She cleared her throat and moved to the next installation._

_“This one is really interesting” she couldn’t hide her excitement. “I know that balloon painting is used by a variety of artist around the globe, but this proposal is not only to change the color and the painting itself with the interference of the public, it’s also a piece of self-analysis, can you see how each different balloon represents a feeling? Once you hit it with the dart, the paint will spill on the canvas and the audience, making them part of it ... what?”_

_He was looking at her with an intensity that was making her breathless._

_“You’re just so passionate about it. It’s inspiring to hear you talk.”_

_“Uh, thanks” she cleared her throat again, why was it so difficult to be next to him without wanting to clench her thighs together every damn second. “I’m afraid we can’t fully appreciate it; I would hate to stain your sweate…”_

_A loud pop echoed through the room followed by the sound of paint splashing; tones of yellow and blue were splayed on his black sweater, his pants, her cardigan, and jeans._

_“Well, I guess now we are part of the same painting.”_

_Rey forced herself not to cough, she just prayed that she wasn’t as red as she felt._

_“We should go to the last installation.” Her voice faltered._

_Before them stood a door and it took all of Rey’s professionalism not to say she would wait for him outside; she opened the door and the inside looked as breathtaking as the first time she entered it. Everything in the room was filed in fragments of repurposed mirrors._

_Rey couldn’t help but notice Ben’s awe as he entered the room, the little lights placed on the ground giving an ethereal glow to everything, even them, their every facet reflected from floor to ceiling._

_“Tell me the story about this one.” His voice lowered one octave._

_“Well, it started with a chat we had a while ago” she swallowed hard. “It was about seeing your true desires; sometimes we can‘t even admit to ourselves that we want something, but we have to accept and see our reflections for what we are, we can‘t hide from what we know is inside us.”_

_Suddenly she felt trapped inside that room, he gave an incisive step towards her, his calm face full of resolve._

_“Ben…” she tried to raise her hand and prevent him from doing whatever he was set out to do, but he grabbed her wrist mid-air, his thumb on her pulse; was he able to fell how her heart was racing?._

_“We can’t run from what we want right?” his voice was above a whisper and she could feel the words caress her skin as it erupted in goosebumps._

_He raised his hand and rested it on her cheek wiping a wisp of paint from it, Rey’s body gave up and trembled._

_“Ben…” now she couldn’t tell if it was a warning or a plea._

_“I’m going to kiss you, Rey.” He whispered and she sucked in a breath._

_It was like bracing herself for the apocalypse._

_In a second the world was normal and quiet, then it exploded like million pieces of glass shattered around them; the moment his lips met hers was nothing like anything she felt before, the anticipation itself almost tore her apart. Rey expected ravaging lips but found the sweetest of touches as if she was about to break._

_His lips were soft in his exploration like he wanted to savor each moment as it grew bolder and bolder, their tongues clashing, his fingers pressing the back of her head, hers burying on his soft hair; their bodies joined as he pressed her on the wall, his whole body shielding her from the outside, from the image reflected on the thousands of pieces around the room._

_Reflections don’t lie._

_This one showed her making out with an engaged man._

_“No” she pushed him, completely disoriented by the way that simple touch turned her head upside down. “This was incredibly inappropriate.”_

_She was almost fighting to keep her breath at a normal pace, by looking at him supporting his back on the wall, his hand running through his hair, he looked as affected as her._

_“Rey…”_

_“I think you can enjoy the exhibit by yourself,_ Mr. Solo _”_

_This time she wasn’t worried it looked like she was running, she locked herself in her office, her hand on her chest as if she was trying to keep her heart from bursting out of her body._

_The other hand moved to her lips as she lost all strength on her legs and let her body slide on the door to the floor._

***

“Hey Miss Niima!” it was Steven, taking his pug Walter on a walk. “Good to see you this early, what are you up to?”

Why the hell did this middle-aged father of three wake up this early to walk his dog? Shit, she hated meeting people on the way, it usually burst out her make-believe bubble, bringing the sour taste of what she really was up to.

“Oh hey, Mr. Thompson! Hey Walter.” she put on her big smile. “Oh, you know, I’m trying to be more active and I just love walking in the woods… Maybe I’ll go to Solo’s, see if there’s something Amy might use on her next piece.”

“You are truly a golden girl!” he smiled with his walrus-like face. “You should try going on more dates, you’ll find a nice guy!”

What would he think about her if he knew she was sleeping with a now-married man?

“Thanks, Mr. Thompson, I’ll try, I just work too much. Tell Susan I said hi!”

She should definitely go on more dates.

***

_“Why on Earth should I go to this thing? Aren’t you like totally out of the closet with Poe?” She pointed at her coworker as Finn and Rose roamed through her wardrobe._

_“Very ‘ally’ of you to put it this way, and yes, Poe and I are official, but that doesn’t mean you should not go, come on, it was really nice of Leia to include you and Poe in the Skywalker’s Christmas party.” He pulled out her light blue cocktail dress. “This might be good, no?”_

_“I wore it at the engagement party” she avoided Finn’s glance._

_“Do you think they will remember?” Rose asked, and a little voice in her head whispered that Ben might do._

_“Guys, Finn and Rose work for Skywalker, Poe would go as a plus one, there’s literally no reason for me to go.”_

_“Rey, you need to meet people” Rose approached her and touched her shoulder. “We want you to have fun outside of work, maybe you can find a nice guy who will take you out to a real date…”_

_“So, this is about me third wheeling you and Hux, Finn and Poe?” Rey rose an eyebrow, she hated when her friends took pity on her relationship status. “Okay, whatever, I’ll go… BUT, if you start playing cupid, I swear to God, I’ll leave.”_

_“Oh my God! That’s it!” Finn exclaimed pulling out a red long-sleeved satin envelope dress, she bought last year for her foster sister’s wedding. “You will look fabulous!”_

_She was already dreading the party._

_Skywalker’s party was as lavish as its heir’s engagement, at the most expensive hotel in Coruscant, bottomless champagne glasses were clinking, light chat and a band playing; it took 25 minutes after Rey arrived with her friends for her to spot them, Kaydel was wearing a long glimmering silver dress, but the most beautiful accessory was the long slender arm around her waist posing for photos._

_Ben looked as handsome as always, his suit, shirt, and tie in varying shades of blue;_

_“Royalty has arrived!” Rose teased and her friends laughed, Rey tried to, she didn’t know if she succeeded._

_“They look really good together, I’ve heard they have been on and off for the past 15 years, they met each other when they were babies, can you imagine?” the woman named Phasma said._

_“Well, the rumor is that since they were kids there were these talks about how they were going to get married and join their families, and they did! I mean it’s almost destiny isn’t it?”_

_“It sounds like an arranged marriage to me” Poe wrinkled his nose._

_“Come on, Poe!” Rose pondered. “He proposed to her on the most romantic trip ever, he closed the top of the Eiffel Tower just to do it.”_

_Rey thought she was going to throw up, she could still feel his body pressing on her with urgency at the gallery._

_“You okay, Peanut?” Finn asked concerned._

_“Yes, yes!” she offered him a smile. “I guess I just need some air”_

_She excused herself moving toward on of the doors, it led her to an empty corridor, which led her to another empty corridor; reprimanding herself, she turned around to go back to the party and ask for directions, absentmindedly she hit what looked like a wall, but much warmer._

_“You look lost, sweetheart.”_

_Rey wasn’t going to lie, all the way to the party, even before as she applied the bright red lipstick, she thought about a variety of scenarios where she would be forced to interact with Ben, she pretended that in all of them she would stay composed and polite._

_So, why the sound of his voice was sending shockwaves between her legs?_

_“I… I was… I just wanted to get some air, that’s all.” There she was blushing again in front of him._

_“Come here” his deep voice almost commanded her, adrenaline rushed through her legs, her mind showing her it was a fight or flight matter._

_So, why was she following him?_

_He opened the third door at their left, it was a simple meeting room, with a big window facing the southside of the city, he effortlessly pulled it open and looked at her in a silent invitation._

_For a second, she was forced to think about fate, she wasn’t a particularly religious person, didn’t have grand ideals of purpose and destiny, but it couldn’t be a coincidence that their paths were meeting time and time again._

_“I was thinking if I would see you again” he stated looking outside, the cold air blowing on his face. “you left early on the exhibit inauguration.”_

_Yes, she thought it would be a good idea to replace him with a 27-year-old accountant._

_“I had a date that day.” She almost spat the line, some part of her was very curious about how he would take the news._

_Still not looking at her, the corner of his lips were pulled up in a smirk before he took a sip from his whiskey._

_“And how did that go?”_

_Mediocre sex and frustration._

_“It was really nice.” She took a sip of her champagne._

_“And did his kiss leave you as disheveled as mine did?” he finally turned to her and she wasn’t prepared for the wave of want that flooded her._

_“He was single, that’s a start…” she gave him a cheeky grin but also used those words to tame whatever monster was inside her._

_He chucked and took a step closer to her._

_“Nice to meet you, Rey. I’m Kylo Ren, a single and lonely author who just moved to Coruscant.” The way he looked at her emptied her lungs. “I would love to take you out, so we can get to know each other better, for you to get to know the true me.”_

_Her head spun, why was he so close?_

_“My schedule is pretty busy, Kylo.” She was about to grab her flute, but he stopped her_

_“Then grab your coat, we’re leaving right now.” And turned around to leave the room._

_“Oh, are we?” she rose a brow. “You know, you should be apologizing for kissing me in my workplace, not taking me out.”_

_“5 minutes, at the south entrance.” Ben looked at her over his shoulder. “Maybe I’ll apologize…”_

_When he left the room, Rey was able to breathe again; she supported herself on the cold glass of the window leaving it full of fingertip marks._

_She wasn’t contemplating to go, right?_

_35 minutes later she was sitting on a wooden chair at a small, hidden and cozy cantina nested a few blocks from the hotel._

_“You’re telling me you had a gothic phase?” she asked laughing wholeheartedly._

_“Well, my teenage years weren’t easy” he explained himself, a glint of pure amazement in his eyes seeing her throw her head back laughing._

_After the check came and he said it was his treat, after her protests, they met the cold night air of the city again, walking aimlessly._

_“So, your foster sister is Jyn Erso, the same Jyn Erso that married Cassian Endor?” he asked._

_“Yes, I can’t believe he is your cousin! A pity you had to lose the wedding” Rey laughed, thinking it would have been nice to have met him before “Well, you are basically seeing me on the same dress I wore that day.”_

_“I lost a lot by missing it, then.”_

_It was the most fun Rey had in ages, everything felt easy and light, butterflies dancing on her stomach every time he sneaked a glance at her._

_He stopped in front of a fancy condo and kept staring intently at her._

_“Well, either we ran out of things to talk about, or it’s time for me to call a cab.” She laughed nervously and he closed the distance between them._

_“I still haven’t apologized for what I did at the gallery.” His voice was low; pure velvet. “Please, come inside.”_

_“Are you propositioning to me?”_

_“I would love too, but we can just sit and have a glass of wine, I’m just not ready to let you go.”_

_Truthfully, Rey wasn’t ready either; it would be just a glass of wine, nothing more than that._

_In the elevator, she realized this was a lie, just by being in that confining space with him made her want to press her thighs together._

_The kissing started at the hall outside his apartment, with him pressing her on his still locked, to be more specific. Ben fumbled with his keys while ravaging her neck; Rey’s breath was labored and she felt like short-circuiting, it was like every one of her nerve endings lit up and she was feeling everything at once._

_“You look absolutely breathtaking” he whispered below her ear and she whimpered, crumpling the fabric of his expensive button-down shirt as she pulled him closer to her when they stumbled in his apartment._

_He kicked his door close with a loud thud and removed his blazer, throwing it somewhere in the poorly lit room._

_“Ben…” she inhaled sharply as he pulled one of her legs up to his waist and his hand traveled further up her thigh._

_The other hand moved to the side of her face, fingertips burying on the back of her head, his thumb tracing her bottom lip, eyes transfixed on hers._

_“I’m going to worship you, sweetheart.” She only hoped he meant it._

_The clock ticked countless times before she was able to think straight, her body was completely enveloped by his, his face docked on the crook of her neck, his breath caressing the sensitive skin; she tried to move slowly to go after her clothes, however, Ben’s arms pulled her in an even tighter embrace._

_“It’s 4 am, you’re not going anywhere” his rusty voice filled her ears and he nuzzled the spot below her ear._

_Next morning, Rey woke up alone in the bed, the reality of everything that happened hitting her like a bulldozer; she found her dress folded on the armchair next to his wardrobe along with her underwear, she quickly put it on hoping he had left her alone to deal with the humiliation._

_She was surprised to find him cooking breakfast, at almost noon, as she tried to sneak past his kitchen._

_“Well, and here was I thinking that you would want to shower and eat before leaving.” He said with his signature smirk._

_“There’s somewhere I have to be.” She could barely look him in the eye._

_“After last night I thought food would give you some much-needed energy.” He dropped another pancake on the counter beside him._

_“You are very full of yourself, aren’t you?” she pulled the phone from her purse to call a cab._

_“You were too last night, sweetheart.”_

_Rey just rolled her eyes at him and marched to the door; she didn’t expect for him to follow her._

_“When can I see you again?” he asked in the most serious voice she had ever heard._

_“Ben… this can’t…” she lost her train of thoughts when he searched for her hand and intertwined their fingers._

_“When?”_

_She inhaled deeply as if tempted to sign a contract where the price was her soul; but then again, he started caressing her thumb with his and she couldn’t think straight anymore._

_“I leave early on Thursdays.”_

***

_Mistress_

This was a word that she pushed from her mind. Rey remembered once, on her last foster home, watching a TV show with her sister, about this family who found out when their father died that he had kept a mistress for 20 years and even put her on his will; she could perfectly picture the 40-something woman with a devastating look on her face as the interviewer rudely asked if it felt good to destroy a family little by little for two decades.

The woman sobbed while she explained that no one would never understand, her relationship to the man was like a bubble, their reality, their own private world.

The interview ended with the presenter stating that she was right because her relationship was a lie.

Rey sympathized with the woman for the way she was treated on national television, but she never understood what it took to be the other woman, she never thought that nameless woman’s explanation would make so much sense.

She never thought it would be more than just sleeping together, in her head it was just like that, two people who enjoyed sleeping together, but one night she caught herself cuddled in his embrace sharing all the scars that being abandoned left her, and hearing back, how it took years for him to forgive his mom for caring more about her career than him.

They would hold each other together, their world starting and ending in that bed.

 _Their own private world_.

***

_“What is this place?” she asked amazed as Ben parked his car in front of an enormous log cabin._

_When he texted her, saying that he got a full weekend to take her to see the outdoors, she never really thought she would see the outdoors, she thought they would sneak into a hotel room and survive out of room service for two days, two whole days with him._

_No needing to shower in a hurry, to leave his condo from the garage; no more scaping and lying. Well, there were lies, she told her roommates she was going on a painting retreat to find inspiration; the painting was a maybe, but the inspiration, she certainly would come back fully inspired._

_They were in the woods just outside Naboo, the smell of flowers was in the air as she stepped out of his car; she took a second to close her eyes and inhaled deeply, he hugged her from behind and interlocked their fingers. They were the picture of pure bliss._

_Opening the door, the place was more incredible than Rey could ever imagine; everything was beautiful, a mix of classic and rustic, it had a spacious living room with a full bookcase and fireplace, a bedroom with the coziest bed and an attic that she hadn’t seen yet._

_“It’s cool, isn’t it?” he offered his hand to her and she was glad to accept, a smile never leaving their faces as he guided her upstairs to the attic._

_If she thought the bedroom was cozy, she certainly wasn’t prepared for the attic; there were at least five blank canvas lined up beside each other, a variety of brushes and paints giant pillows on the floor, over a fluffy carpet, on the other corner there was a small bookcase and a big comfy armchair._

_“Did I die, and this is paradise?” she turned to ask him as he held the most adoring look to her; she let go of her hand and moved closer to the brushes and paints._

_“I just bought a bunch of them; I wasn’t sure of your preferences.” Ben shrugged._

_“You bought all of this?” she asked shocked. “You didn’t have to spend your money on all of this, I’m pretty sure the owner of this place would open a complaint on Airbnb if I stained anything, and there’s a huge chance I do it.”_

_“I’m the owner of it.” Ben chose his words carefully, studying her reaction. “I bought it last week, it isn’t even listed on Airbnb anymore.”_

_“Wait… what?” she knit her eyebrows together looking around. “You bought this? I mean,_ all _this?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Do you mind if I ask you why?” she approached him with a still puzzled look._

_“Because I thought it could be our secret spot, it’s close to Coruscant and Takodana.” He circled her waist and brought her close to him._

_“And will you be able to go to other… business trips?” they usually didn’t talk about it, they pretended they were different people and reality stayed outside the door._

_“Now that we have a place to go…” with the softest of touches he outlined her jawline with his index finger. “I’ll count the days.”_

_Their lips met, not for the first time in that day, but it felt like ages to Rey, it was as if she missed him even right there, with his lips on hers._

_“You can go see your paints now, I know your dying too.” He smiled with their noses and foreheads still touched and she grinned back._

_As she ran to the counter to give a better look at the colors and brushes, Ben nestled himself on the large armchair, it was large even for him._

_“What are you going to do there?” her cheeks were going to hurt from smiling so much, kissing so much; God, this was bliss._

_“I could spend the whole day watching your paints,” Ben answered with a loose smile on his lips._

_“You saw me painting once.” She snorted meeting his eyes, that familiar feeling growing at the pit of her stomach._

_“And I still can picture every minute of it.”_

_A cheeky grin spread through her face._

_“Should I undress, make the view more interesting?” she started playing with the hem of her sweater watching as his eyes darkened with desire._

_“I’m not sure you’ll do much painting if you do this.”_

_Rey giggled turning her back to him; the next minute her sweater was on the ground. It took her a lot of restraint not to look over her shoulder and see his reaction. It didn’t take long though for her to feel his presence behind her._

_She forgot the painting in no time as their limbs entangled together in their own paradise._

_“Next time, you’ll let me paint” she smiled satisfied nestling on his chest._

_“Anything for you.” He answered kissing the top of her head._

_***_

Rey saw a bench on the way and decided to sit for a while, it wouldn’t take to long for her to reach Solo’s garage, but she was already late; no, she wouldn’t check her phone, she would just sit and even her breath.

It was almost funny to be feeling this way, looking back to her past self and everything that happened in the past 10 months, did she ever think she would be in this place? Before meeting Ben, Rey had strong feelings about people cheating, for her it was women wanting to tear other women apart and fulfilling their rush and desire from it.

She didn’t hate Kaydel, she couldn’t do it when they rarely spoke her name, it was as if she didn’t exist in their world, it was much better to think about it this way.

Rey wasn’t naïve either, while some part of her dreamed about a life waking up and sleeping beside Ben, she knew that those images were just a lie, a lie she told herself million times when anxiety hit her so hard, she couldn’t sleep.

To be true to herself, it was like having a second personality, one Rey knew the risks, crafted the lies, never projected a future, understood that it was just a matter of time before everything ended, abruptly, just as it started. This Rey planned it all, it would last only until the wedding, it was her promise to herself.

When she was 10, Rey went to a foster care in the outskirts of Tatooine, it was an impoverished neighborhood and Rey’s first contact with drug addicts; she remembered there was this woman, she must have been very pretty once, not older than thirty, but most of her teeth had fallen out already, Delia was her name; one night Rey heard Delia singing to her 5-year-old boy, saying she would be alright, that she would be strong for him.

Two days later, Delia was begging Jabba, the Drug Lord in Tatooine, for a fix.

_“Please Mr. Jabba, just a taste, anything, I’ll take the scraps on the floor, I just need it, I need it.”_

Until now, Rey hadn’t had any problems with addiction.

***

_“It’s your loss!” Rose exclaimed over her shoulder._

_“Rosy, leave her, I’m pretty sure she’s banging this yoga-teacher-next-Picasso guy that she follows on Instagram” Poe laughed, and Rey joined him, not that she wanted to laugh, or that she found it a least bit funny, she just knew she had to laugh._

_“Look at me!” Rey exclaimed in her Strokes shirt and faded jeans. “I don’t wanna go all the way to Alderaan in a fancy dress to a wedding of two people I barely know. I much rather be painting.”_

_Or dying._

_“Well, Peanut” Finn kissed the top of her head. “You won’t be missing anything, Solo is an asshole, I’m just going for the food.”_

_This would be a good moment for her eyes to fill up with tears, but for the past 7 months, she had learned how to train her body and mind, so she just smiled back and took her small suitcase to her car._

_There were only a few times she went to Naboo alone in her car, but it would be the first time she would be at the cabin by herself, Ben would be married in three days, while their guests enjoyed the long labor day weekend in Alderaan. Rose had insisted for her to go with them as a plus one, but that was far beyond her strength allowed her to._

_So she decided to go to Naboo, curl herself in the attic, paint, drown her sorrows with bottles and bottles of wine, repeat each step until she was numb; so, what was her surprised when she saw his sleek black car parked outside their cabin?_

_For a minute or two, she sat on her har with the engine still on, it would be better if she just turned around and left, but she was curious; they had been radio silence for the past two weeks, how could they meet with his wedding looming over their heads? With reality bursting out their bubble._

_Why was he here?_

_At the same time she decided not to fantasize about unreal reasons, that small part of her already created the picture of them creating a new reality; against her better judgment, she turned off the engine e marched towards the front door. It wasn’t like she wasn’t used to holding a funeral for her hopes every other weekend._

_Ben was pacing in the living room when she opened the door, relief washing over his face as he saw her, he was wearing his ‘stay-at-home’ look, dark pants, a white sleeveless shirt and a wool cardigan over his built muscles._

_He didn’t say her name, he didn’t say a word; he just crossed their distance in three steps and held her face between his two hands, she could barely breathe when his lips met hers. It was urgent, just a step below violent; she couldn’t answer for her acts, not when she could hear his gasps as her hands found his muscled torso._

_Her Strokes shirts flew to an unknown space once they got to the living room and he laid her on the leather couch._

_“I love you.” He whispered on her neck and her body went rigid._

_Rey wouldn’t process the meaning of it, she would just forget them, forgive them for being so carelessly thrown out at the wrong person._

_“I do” he sighed desperately. “I do love you, so much. I love you so much.”_

_It got unbearable to her and she pushed him off, zigzagging to the kitchen without looking back. She opened the faucet and forced her trembling hands to throw some cold water on her face in a feeble attempt to calm herself._

_“Rey…” his voice was pained._

_“Go away.” Her voice was low the first time, but he called her again. “GO AWAY! DON’T ‘SWEETHEART’ ME, I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING BACHELOR HOOKER!”_

_She faced him with her whole body trembling, tears flowing freely down her cheeks, and despite her shrieks he closed the space between them, getting on his knees and hugging her, resting his head on her bare stomach, he was crying, and so was she._

_“I swear to God, I love you.”_

_But he didn’t say he would leave Kaydel, he didn’t say he wouldn’t marry her._

_He nuzzled the skin above her navel, and she imagined a whole other world where he would be doing that for far more joyful reasons, it was a universe that didn’t belong to her. And it was just too much; she touched his cheek and moved his face to look up to her._

_Their eyes, that had met on so many occasions, were now full of hopelessness._

_“Please, leave” her voice was broken, but so was everything else._

_Rey turned her back to him once he stood up, grabbing the edge of the sink so forcefully that her knuckles protested; she only allowed herself to crumble when she heard the front door closing. Her knees gave up and she sat alone on the floor, beside his wool cardigan, that she hugged with all her force, smelling him on the fabric, letting her symphony of sobs echo through the cabin._

_Four weeks went by after the wedding, and Rey was a robot, it was like every time she heard Ben’s name her mind would just shut down and she would move on autopilot, whether it was from Leia at the gallery or her friends at home, she even gave in to Poe’s insistency and agreed to meet his friend Mitaka._

_Like all beginnings of summer in Coruscant, the air was heavy with rain yet to pour and Mitaka took her to a fancy French restaurant near the financial district, they got lucky enough to get inside it before the rainfall began. He was a really nice guy, but Rey couldn’t connect, would she ever do?_

_“So, I told him, ‘I’m a developer, not a content editor’” he said laughing and she quickly followed him_

_However, the laughter died in her lips as a group of soaked well-dressed men barged in the restaurant in their designer suits and lawyer business cards, las one to arrive, with his luscious black locks dripping wet was Ben Solo._

_It took a minute for him to spot her, his jaw clenching when he saw she had company; her nostrils flaring at the sight of his gold band._

_Her lying body worked faster than her mind, grabbing her phone._

_“Oh my god, my sister just texted me she’s not feeling well, and she’s six-months pregnant.” She saw the alarm on Mitaka’s eyes. “No don’t worry, I’ll catch an Uber, she lives in Scarif, please don’t waste the food.”_

_“No, I surely can take you.”_

_“I’ll have to insist” and it got clear that she didn’t want company. ”It was lovely meeting you.”_

_She got up and left faster than would be deemed acceptable to such a refined place, but she didn’t care._

_Rain washed over her mercilessly, soaking up her already trembling body as she fought to type her address on the Uber app._

_“I’ll take you home.” Said a very familiar voice beside her, pulling her phone from her hands, grabbing her wrist and pulling her to his car._

_“Don’t touch me!” she pulled her arm back when they arrived in his car._

_“Get in the car, Rey” his voice was on the edge of enraged._

_“No!” she almost stomped her foot._

_Rey squealed when he held her in his arms and pushed her inside the backseat of his cars, water pooling on his leather seat while he made his way to the seat on the other side. The sound of the rain was the only thing they could hear besides their ragged breath._

_“I miss you” his hands searched hers, and she had no willpower to stop him._

_She missed him too, so much._

_Everything moved too fast, their lips, their hands fighting with their clothes clinging on their skin; their bodies were still so in tune with each other like they were some secret instruments only known to each other. Ben played her strings well and melodic moans filled the car._

_“I love you,” he said short of breath, looking full in her eyes._

_“I love you too” she whispered back._

_***_

They would sit like adults, she was 26 now, he was 34, they could have this conversation like rational adults, they couldn’t go on like this forever, what about when Kaydel got pregnant? What about when she met someone good enough to want to marry her?

It was about time it stopped.

Ben was sitting on the couch of his dad ‘s old office with his face buried on his hands when he hard, the door opening.

“You almost gave me a heart attack, I was about to call the police, I’m worried sick.” He got up and held her hand. “I kept thinking if something happened to you…”

“Ben…” she couldn’t find her resolve, not with him looking into de abyss of her soul with those hazel eyes.

“You look more beautiful each time I see you” he put a strand of hair behind her ear and caressed her cheek. “How come you can have me wrapped around your fingers, Rey Niima?”

She sighed and closed her eyes, trying to think about all the motives that made her want to leave and never look back; but she couldn’t.

“I love you, sweetheart,” he whispered on her skin and she bit her lip.

“I love you too, Ben.” It wasn’t the first time she had to fight the tears from falling.

“I’m going to divorce her, Rey.” He whispered with his head on the crook of her neck.

Rey shut her eyes forcefully, but the tears escaped anyway.

“No, you won’t.” she murmured.

Because there was still too much she could handle, there were so many parts of her that could be killed; that could be ruined a million little times.


End file.
